


Lost Stars

by marinablack99



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Banter, Comfort, F/M, Family Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-12 02:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18002330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marinablack99/pseuds/marinablack99
Summary: *spoilers up to and including the S3 finale. Rated T for cursing* Bobbie Draper's not very good at letting people take care of her. That's alright, Alex Kamal isn't the quitting kind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished binge watching The Expanse (thank you, Amazon Prime!). This idea got stuck in my brain and, well, it had to come out one way or another. For now, this is a one-shot. I hope you enjoy! Please read and review.

Peace was disquieting.

The low thrum from the Roci’s engine was swallowed up in the vast darkness of space. No longer a target, they passed by U.N.N and MCRN ships alike in harmony. The OPA would’ve thrown them a ticker tape parade if James Holden would’ve allowed it. Alex was just glad they got out of there with their lives, a new cache of fuel and weapons, and one very pissed off Martian marine. 

It had been his idea to take her.

She belonged with them.

The dust in his blood ran red as any Martian, but he would always choose Amos Burton, Naomi Nagata, and James Holden above _all_ others. That same loyalty extended to Roberta Draper now, too. She’d more than earned it.

“You look like shit.”

Alex pushed himself away from the flight deck, grinning ear to ear. “Hey there, Sleeping Beauty.”

Bobbie held tight to the railing, dark hair falling across her face as she hung on for dear life. He was by her side in an instant, unfazed when she slapped him away. Without waiting for an invitation, he pulled her into his arms and eased her into the captain’s chair. Once he was sure she was settled, he offered his cup.

 She took a long drink, but never once took her eyes off him. Her breathing was still shallow—a combination of the trauma from her wound and the pain. In the jumpsuit she’d commandeered he could see the bruising around her neck; if he unzipped it, he was certain he could trace the damage all the way down… 

“What’re you staring at, sailor? It can’t be that long since you’ve seen a pair of tits.”

_Busted_. She’d caught him red handed. 

Alex forced a laugh and averted his gaze for the moment. “Just glad to see you is all.”

Her lip ticked upward into what passed for a smile in the MMC. “I could tell.” Bobbie leaned back and stretched to test her legs. It was obviously agony, but she pushed through it nonetheless. 

“Inhale, deep into your lungs. Nice and easy.” Alex pressed a hand to her shoulder. “Then push it out slow. Pretend you’re blowing out a whole mess of birthday candles.”

Air gushed out of her in a terrible hiss, followed by a string of curses. Her fingers splayed out over the mesh currently holding her organs in. The bullet had ripped through her gut; it narrowly avoided her kidney but the force ruptured one of her ovaries. The U.N.N surgeon who’d worked on her was technically skilled—the best in the fleet—and he’d mitigated as much damage as humanly possible. Alex wasn’t sure how much they told her or how much she’d remember if they did.

“Damn, this is going to put my training back a month at least.” She slumped into the seat. Her dark eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot, probably from all the medication they’d given her on the Behemoth. It was a miracle she was even up and about right now.

“You’ve got to go easy, darlin’. Take time to heal up right _then_ you can get back to the grind.” He leaned against the control panel in front of her. “In the meantime, I’ll be here to help with whatever you might need. After all, it’s my fault you got shot.”

“Bullshit,” Bobbie spat at him. “I turned against Mars. I don’t deserve to be breathing right now, let alone be coddled by a deserter.”

“Hey now, I’m no deserter.”

“You are. So am I. We’re the same, Alex...except I didn’t leave a wife and kid back home.”

“Jesus, Gunny,” he stepped away from her, “Right for the jugular.”

Gripping tight to the arm of the chair, she shook her head. “I’m just stating the facts.” 

Even though his head told him to let it go, his wounded ego would not listen to reason. “Here are some facts for you: if it weren’t for us Mars _and_ Earth would be rubble right now. Hell, the whole fucking solar system would be ash—including my ex-wife and my son. I made a choice to bring you on board this ship, to make you part of our crew for good. On the Roci we take care of each other. And I’m going to look out for you even if you are a spiteful bitch sometimes!”

Bobbie glared at him, her jaw set. “Are you done?”

Alex folded his arms across his chest. “No.”

“ _No_?” 

“I don’t think you realize how hard this has been for me. Holding pressure while you bled out—not knowing if you’d live or die? It tore me up, Bobbie. I cleaned your blood from my hands for _hours_ afterward.” He took a shaky breath. “I stayed at your side for two days while they kept you in a medically induced coma. Hell, I haven’t slept since we entered the ring.”

She banged her fist against the arm of the chair. “No one asked you to do that!”

“I can’t help it, I care about you!” 

“Well, stop it Alex!”

Throwing his hands up, he paced the length of the flight deck. “Have you ever cared about anyone, Bobbie?”

A haunted look passed over her face like a shadow. “Yes. The Marines in my unit—the ones that were slaughtered by Hybrids.” Pushing herself to standing again, she held out one hand to keep Alex at bay. “I learned the hard way that caring doesn’t get you anything but heartache.” 

She was so strong, so determined, and yet beneath that icy exterior she was just as vulnerable as he was. “So, you regret it?”

She mulled it over for a real, true minute. “No, I suppose not. I just feel shitty knowing I failed them.” She paused, straightening her shoulders as much as she possibly could without winching. “I’ll fail you too.”

“I look forward to that day.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Her grief was palpable. “I don’t want to let you down, Alex.” She pushed her dark hair back from her face, “I can’t lose you too. I _won’t_.”

The urge to be close to her was too strong. Closing the distance between them, he grinned when she didn’t push him away this time. “I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. In case you’ve forgotten, Martians never say die.” 

That elicited an actual smile from the stalwart Marine.

He changed the subject abruptly; he was surprised she let him. “Come on, you must be starving. I’ve got just the thing.” She let him help her below deck and ate a double portion of his “lasagna” without complaint. Her soft breathing drowned out the oppressive silence of space. When she finished, she seemed to have regained some of her legendary strength.

“Alex?”

“Go on and get some rest. I’m going to clean up a bit here.” He bustled around the small kitchen, arranging leftovers in the fridge and placing their plates into the dishwasher. He was just about to toss a rag over his shoulder when Bobbie caught his wrist. 

“ _Alex_.”

His heart slammed against his ribs. She wrenched him toward her and proceeded to tug him toward the bunkroom. 

When they passed Amos, he stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face them. “Hey, you guys going to fuck?”

Alex peered back at him, shrugging. He'd given up trying to predict what Bobbie would do.

When they reached their destination, she punched in the code and waited for him to step in first. “You’ve spent days on end worried about me, so now it’s my turn. The Roci needs a good pilot, meaning one who’s not sleep deprived. Get in bed. On the double, sailor. We haven’t got all day.”

It was endlessly endearing the way she supervised him. “I’m going to take off this flight suit. I’ve got my skivvies on but wanted to warn you, for modesty’s sake.” She didn’t turn around when he disrobed; he didn’t really expect her to. A t-shirt and his boxers were what he usually slept in, and he wasn’t going to make an exception because Bobbie wanted to watch.

Once he was seated on the bunk, he gazed at her curiously. “Do you plan to stand guard the whole time?”

“If I need to,” she replied tartly. “I want to make sure you get a good night’s rest.” 

“Well, I’d sleep a hell of a lot better if I knew you were too.” It wasn’t meant as an invitation, but Alex sure as hell didn’t complain when she unzipped her flight suit and crawled into the bunk beside him. She smelled strongly of antiseptic and copper, but her skin was like silk against him. He wrapped his arm around her waist, below the wound and waited for a blow that never came. 

Bobbie shifted against him, tucking her body into his. They fit like two puzzle pieces, finally finding their place. After a moment, she cleared her throat. “Is this okay?”

 Alex tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear. “Fine by me, but I’m not the one who got shot. Are you comfortable?” 

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s all that matters to me.” The curve of her backside right up against him would’ve spelled disaster if he weren’t so damn tired. Bobbie was right; he needed to rest. “You wake me up if you need anything, you hear me?” 

“I’m not sure how I could _not_ hear you given the position we’re in,” she replied tartly. She clutched the arm around her tighter, a silent warning not to even think about removing it. It was the closest thing he was going to get to a free pass. “Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart. Sleep tight.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is the one who wears his heart on his sleeve but Bobbie's not as immune as she likes to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone should probably stop me before I get in over my head.
> 
> I wrote a second part to this fic out of the blue today. For those not familiar, the title of this story was inspired by a song of the same title: Lost Stars. This song is part of the original soundtrack for the movie "Begin Again" with Keira Knightley, Adam Levine, & Mark Ruffalo. If you don't know it, I recommend giving it a listen. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone to gave kudos & left a review. Feedback is always appreciated. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

“What’s it like?” Alex gazed across the table as they ate their breakfast.

When she looked up into his eyes she swore she could see his entire heart and soul. It was both fascinating and disconcerting. Didn’t he know being so open could only lead to disaster?

She sipped her coffee and smiled wistfully. “Bright. The other Martians wore visors but not me. I’m just as strong as those Earthers.” She laughed then. “I had a headache for three days after we got back into space but it was worth it.” Licking her lips, she leaned in a bit closer. “I snuck off and went to the ocean. I _had_ to see it for myself.” 

He sat up a little straighter. “What was it like?”

Bobbie’s breath caught in her throat. “It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t have imagined it in my wildest dreams. Even now, I can picture it as clearly as if I were right there. Sometimes I wish I could go back, run my fingers through the sand and let cool water rush over my toes.” Shame welled up inside her, unbidden. “I know I’m a traitor.”

“The hell you are. Three generations of Martians have bled, sweat, and died trying to make something like that possible. That’s the dream, Gunny. You’re not turning your back on Mars, you’re keeping the very essence our goal alive.” Standing up, Alex glanced back over his shoulder. “More coffee?”

She blinked. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” 

“Make me feel better. Every time I try to punish myself for the choices I’ve made and the things I’ve done, you step in and absolve me of all of it. It’s not right.” Her anger had returned, at least, but it was once again pointed in the wrong direction. And he had the audacity to laugh at her. “I’m serious, Alex.”

He placed a fresh cup of coffee in front of her, his fingertips lingering for a moment. Although he didn’t say a word, his expression spoke volumes. Bobbie huffed and curled her hand tighter around her cup.

“The answer is yes, in case you were wondering.”

“What are you on about now?”

Alex plopped down across from her again. “I’ll go to the ocean with you.” 

Her heart leapt at the prospect, but it was a futile desire. “I got the impression Holden wants to book it into the unchartered space beyond the ring before things get out of hand. The only reason we’re going to Earth is to drop off the Reverend and the Mao girl.”

“They’re not going anywhere without their pilot, darlin’. And I’m sure as hell not leaving without you.” 

God damn it. The sparkle in his eye and the dopey smile on his face warmed her all the way through. Alex _got_ to her. All the defenses she put to guard heart were no match for him. Grinning like a fool, she finished off the rest of her coffee in a few gulps. “Come on, we’ve got to get you ready for One-G.”

She slid out from behind the table, prodding Alex to his feet and down the hall to the gym. The Tachi— _Rocinante_ —wasn’t the best equipped by any stretch of the imagination but the Martian fleet at least made sure they had basics. She picked up a set of weights, handing the lighter ones to him before starting on her reps. She had been working at almost twice the capacity she was now, and it still ached all the way down her back.

Alex half-assed it. Bobbie knew he was there for her alone—mostly to make sure she didn’t overdo it, but there was a part of her that wondered if he enjoyed her company. She wasn’t sure why he would; she’d lashed out again and again. Never once had he struck back, though. The closest he’d come was reminding her that he cared, no matter how awful she was.

Halfway through her push-up drill, pain lanced through her and stole her breath away. “Fuck,” she growled through gritted teeth. Pulling her knee up to support her weight, she breathed through it.

His warm hand wrapped around her back, heat bleeding through the thin cloth of her tank top. “Bobbie?” 

“I’m fine, it’s just a cramp.” Slowly, she sat fully upright and slowly the ache ebbed. “Doc said it’s to be expected.” The extent of the surgery wasn’t something she’d mentioned before, but it had been on her mind. As always, she approached it as if it were a big joke. “I suppose I should be grateful.”

“For what?” 

Although she had obviously recovered from the momentary discomfort, Alex remained connected to her. She knew from experience he wouldn’t remove his hand unless she made the first move. This time, though, she wouldn’t be the one. “Being rendered infertile.”

He stared hard at her. “Is that what they told you?”

Bobbie shrugged and swallowed past the emotion that rose up in her. She blamed the hormones, but in the darkest corners of her mind she knew it was more than that. “No, it’s not impossible. Improbable, though.”

“Good.”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “What do you mean ‘ _good’_?” It wasn’t malice, but curiosity that shone in her dark eyes. “Does it bring you some kind of joy knowing I’m not as dusty and barren as the fucking planet we were born on?” Bobbie laughed at her own metaphor. “I was never one of those nice Martian girls who ached to populate the planet.” 

“It’s just nice to have options, that’s all.” He still hadn’t stopped touching her and it was starting to burn. Bobbie’s eyes fluttered shut. “Are you hurting again?”

She shook her head.

Alex stroked her cheek, coaxing her to look at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” she lied and waited for him to call her bluff.

He leaned back, pulling her to his side. They sat side by side in the gym, thighs touching and his arm slung around her shoulders. “I always wanted to be a father. Talissa…she wasn’t so sure about parenthood.” He snorted derisively. “Before you even say it, I realize the irony. I know I ran off on her, left her to raise our son alone. She was right to listen to those instincts.”

Bobbie rested her hand on his leg. “That’s not what I was thinking.” 

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. “What _were_ you thinking?” 

“That I’m not surprised,” she replied. “I swear it’s written in our DNA. The MCR: we serve, we protect, and we fuck like rabbits.” Although she laughed, none of this struck her as funny. “As if we could somehow catch up with the _billions_ on Earth.”

“Maybe you’re right. It was equal parts biological imperative and my duty to Mars. I don’t regret a second of it, though. Melas is the best part of me.” Reaching into his back pocket, he grabbed the terminal. Queuing up the last message that he’d received, he handed it over to Bobbie. 

The bucktoothed boy lisping on the screen lifted Bobbie’s mood instantly. “I didn’t get to talk to him much but there’s no denying he’s your kid. I liked him. He’s spirited.”

Alex beamed. “That means a lot coming from you, Gunny.” 

Admitting she liked his son was as close as she wanted to get to admitting she liked _him_. It was a dangerous line she was walking, and yet she refused to alter course. She nudged him playfully. “Someday he’s going to be running amok, out amongst the stars, just like his old man.”

“You think so?” He smirked, stretching out his body to get more comfortable on the floor.

“I know so.” Keeping her guard up was becoming too much. She had to shut it down before they went too far. “Alright, enough stalling. Drop and give me twenty.” He grumbled under his breath and she leaned into him. “What was that? You wanted it to be fifty?”

“No, sir,” he replied. He grunted when assuming the position, but she could see the smile on his lips. 

Bobbie stood, crossing her arms over her chest. “Count them out, sailor. Nice and loud so they can hear you on Mars.”

“One! Two!” With each pushup, his voice grew weaker. He made it to sixteen before he collapsed.

 She chuckled, holding out a hand to help him up. As she pulled him to standing, his body pressed against hers for a moment and she reached out, patting his stomach. “You are making progress. Another few weeks and we’ll have you in fighting shape.” 

Alex put his arm around her again as they headed for the flight deck. “And exactly what am I fightin' for, darlin’?” 

“Your life.” Before they reached the bridge, Bobbie departed from him. Without his hands on her, she felt oddly adrift. It only lasted a moment because the minute she encountered Naomi, Holden, and Anna moving around the ship, her guard was back up. She went back to medical, changing out the gauze that was protecting her healing wound and then returning to her chambers to catch up on the newest briefings coming out from the MCR and U.N.N.

She wasn’t sure how much time had elapsed until she heard a whisper of movement just beyond the door. Bobbie yawned and shifting to accommodate him in the bunk. When settled beside her, she threaded her arm around his waist and pressed her forehead against his back. “Took you long enough,” she murmured. 

“Had to get ready to land. We’ll be on Earth in half a day’s time.” Alex flicked off the light, bathing the room in darkness. He covered her hand with his, threading their fingers together. “I can’t wait to see the ocean with you, Gunny.”

“Me either.” When she closed her eyes, she could see it so very clearly in her mind’s eye. Him, and her, hands clasped as the water wrapped around them. In her dream, they were running on the beach, the surf spraying up into their faces. He was half naked, head thrown back in laughter as she splashed him. They were two reckless, careless souls…

But then there were more than two. When she glanced over her shoulder, another voice joined the fray. The girl was small and lithe, dark curly hair whipping in the wind. When the child reached out, Bobbie was drawn to her like a magnet; she pulled her into an embrace and was startled to see she had Alex’s eyes and smile. 

He looked so proud as he smiled down at them. Alex pulled the both of them closer, kissing the child on the head before bending down and planting one on Bobbie.

Maybe it was the horror or perhaps the beeping of the Roci’s systems that startled her out of the dream, but she jolted awake—skin bathed in a cold sweat.

Glancing down at the man in her bed, her heart slammed against her ribs. This was a dangerous game they were playing and Bobbie was losing. 

Worst of all, she couldn’t bring herself to stop it.

“ _Fuck_.”


End file.
